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Archive for April, 2010

I recently completed an exercise on beliefs from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book.”  The exercise was straightforward and consisted of sentence completion for nine topics.  The objective was to uncover hidden beliefs which may be holding me back in certain areas of my life.  In this blog entry, I will share some of the insights that I gained from completing the beliefs exercise.

The topics which were explored in the beliefs exercise were:  Men, Women, Love, Sex, Work, Money, Success, Failure, and God. For each word, I wrote the various thoughts which popped into my head.  I tried not to think too deeply about the “right” or “best” answers for any of the topics.   I spent about twenty minutes uncovering my beliefs and then took some additional time to review my answers and look for insights or “aha moments.”

Some Surprise Beliefs…

For some of the areas, there were no surprises.  I knew that I had issues regarding Work, Success and Failure, and I will be writing about those topics in a later post.  I also knew that my feelings about Love and God were basically positive in nature.   However, the biggest surprise for me in doing the beliefs exercise related to my feelings about men and women.  I learned that I have basically positive feelings about men and a lot of not so positive attitudes about women.   Because I am a woman, my attitudes about my own gender bear some exploration…

My Beliefs About Women and Men

Here are a few of my statements about women:

  • Women can be catty, petty and mean.
  • Women aren’t nice to each other.
  • Women can be too obsessed with appearance.
  • Women have fewer advantages in life.
  • Women don’t know what they want.
  • Women are too picky.

In contrast, here are some of my thoughts about men:

  • Men have more advantages in the world than women.
  • Men have more fun than women.
  • Men are easier to get along with than women.
  • Men generally feel better about their bodies.
  • Men are not to be feared or hated.

If I read the above statements and didn’t know any better, I’d think they were written by a man!  I was definitely surprised to learn some of my hidden feelings about men and women, but what does this all mean?  I am still processing this information, but here are some of the insights I’ve gained thus far…

Beliefs About Women – Or About Myself?

Many of my statements about women were more about myself than about women in general.  I am picky and unsure as to what I really want in life.  I have a tendency to be obsessed with my appearance and I am often not very nice to myself.  I can be catty, petty and mean, particularly towards myself.  While I have many advantages in my life, I sometimes don’t appreciate what I have and times, I feel guilty for the privileges which I enjoy.   I question whether or not I deserve to have the many benefits with which I’ve been blessed.

I sometimes feel as if I’m not a “normal” woman.  After all, I’m not very maternal, I’ve never really wanted to have children, and my domestic skills are sorely lacking.  While I enjoy being pretty and feminine in terms of my appearance, I have often tried to develop more masculine personality characteristics.  I have believed that I should be more career-driven than is my natural tendency, especially since I was lacking the drive to bear and raise children.  I beat myself up on a regular basis for not achieving the societal vision of success, a goal which men traditionally feel more pressure to reach.

Strength – Masculine or Feminine?

While I know a number of strong women, I think I’ve always associated strength more with the masculine than the feminine.  Unlike many other women I know, I do not fear or distrust men.  I find that I easily build rapport with men and in general have positive feelings about them.  Before I got married, I had more male friends than female friends.

The women with whom I have bonded tended to be other women who don’t fit the traditional female mold.   I feel that more traditional women don’t “get” me and sometimes look at me as if I have two heads.  At times, I feel judged by other women for the choices I’ve made in life, particularly the decision not to have children.  I do not begrudge their decisions, but I feel that they begrudge mine.

Next Steps for Me

Of course, I don’t know that any of my suspicions about other women are true.  We often project our own beliefs onto others and are frequently unaware that we are doing this.  The Beliefs Exercise has helped to open my eyes regarding my beliefs about women.  Now that I am aware that some of my beliefs are not empowering and don’t really serve me, I have a choice and some additional work to do.  I need to decide what I want to believe about women and about myself.  I choose to adopt more loving and empowering beliefs about women in general and about myself as a woman.  As this process evolves, I will share my new insights, as well as the ways in which I am growing and learning in this area of life.

Follow-On Questions for Readers

  1. What are your attitudes about men and women?
  2. Do you find that you have more positive attitudes about your own gender or about the opposite gender?
  3. In what ways do your attitudes about men and women positively or negatively impact your life?
  4. Are there any dis-empowering beliefs which you would like to release?

In a future post, we will examine other topics from the Beliefs Exercise.  I encourage you to take some time to explore your beliefs about Men, Women, Love, Sex, Work, Money, Success, Failure, and God.  Powerful change begins with awareness.  As Dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”   The Healing Project is all about self-awareness, empowerment and positive change.  Although some insights can be painful, they often serve as a springboard toward growth.  Please join me on the journey toward awareness and healing!

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Last week, I wrote the post “Overspending,” about a recent shopping trip that resulted in my spending too much money and feeling that I had acted in a compulsive manner.  Although there were important lessons inherent in that individual experience, it also raised the issue of compulsive behavior in general.  This post is geared toward examining compulsive behavior, getting to the root of why we engage in such destructive actions, and looking at what we can do to begin to turn it around.

Compulsiveness Takes Many Forms…

I shared about my shopping and spending issues, but these are far from the only forms of compulsive behaviors with which I’ve struggled.  I’ve also engaged in compulsive overeating, dieting, and exercising, and spending too much time working or surfing the internet, among other things.   You may have grappled with similar issues, or you may have had problems with drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, or any number of other maladaptive behaviors.  It doesn’t matter which of these behaviors has plagued you, the problem is usually rooted in the same causes.

Years ago, I wanted to write a book called “It’s Not About the Food,” about eating disorders and compulsive overeating.  Unfortunately, someone else used this brilliant title before I could, but that won’t stop me from sharing my thoughts on the issue.  From my early teens until the very recent past, I struggled with pretty much every eating disorder which a person could have.  I was anorexic, bulimic, an obsessive exerciser, and a compulsive overeater.  I have been seriously underweight, overweight, and every weight in between, yet my pain was always the same.  It was never about the number on the scale or what I did or didn’t do around food.  It was always about something else, and the same is true for all other forms of compulsive behavior.

Escaping Pain

My overeating, under eating, shopping, and other compulsive behaviors have served both as coping mechanisms and means of escape from the pain which I was experiencing in my life.  As much pain as these behaviors caused me, and that pain has been intense, the pain which was being masked by my compulsivity was far greater.  There was something, or multiple things, which I just didn’t want to look at, so I ate, dieted, or shopped.  I would then lament my weight gain, food obsession, or credit card bills instead of dealing with what was really wrong in my life.

  • What was it that I didn’t want to feel?
  • What is it that you don’t want to feel that is being buried under your compulsive behaviors? 

Getting to the Root of Things

While I can’t possibly know the answer for anyone else, I can share what I believe it was – and is – for me.  I have always felt like an outsider and as if I didn’t really “belong.”  I never felt like I was “good enough,” but I thought that if I could somehow be thin enough, maybe I would measure up.  Or I thought that if I could be pretty enough (which relates to the hair obsession which I shared in my last post, “Perspective and Appreciation”) or dress well enough, maybe I would fit in and be on par with others.  That was part of it…

As I’ve shared in previous posts, I’ve long struggled to achieve the societal vision of success in terms of my career.  While I know that I am intelligent and capable, I have experienced only limited financial success over the course of my working life.  I have difficulty maintaining a passion for a single occupation and thus have switched careers a number of times over the years.  Now, at age 43, I feel insecure at my current career status and feel that I should be much farther along the path of success at this point in my life.  While I think about this often, I frequently feel stuck and powerless, and I sometimes plummet into feelings of despair and hopelessness when I find that I don’t have the answers.

Comfortably Numb?

What do people do when they feel desperate and hopeless?  They often do whatever they can to numb those feelings, using whatever they have at their disposal at the time.  I don’t consciously think, “I feel bad, so I think I’ll go shopping and numb myself out,” but that is virtually what I do.  The shopping gives me a high that serves to mitigate the lows I was feeling about my career woes or whatever else was troubling me.  I know this is true because the items which I buy often sit in my closet for weeks or even months with the tags still on them.

If it really was about my being greedy or truly wanting certain items of clothing, wouldn’t I be rushing to wear them?  The feeling I get from shopping and buying clothes is similar to what I used to feel when I would eat a pile of sweets.   The pain is numbed and replaced with a high, and I have escaped my negative feelings, albeit only temporarily.   That pain returns shortly thereafter and the feelings of guilt and shame resulting from my compulsive behavior add insult to injury and I end up feeling much worse.  It’s a vicious cycle and a very difficult one to stop, but there is hope…

The Place of Power

I’ve often heard it said that the place of power is in the space between stimulus and response.  Most people merely react to what’s going on in their lives; they do what they have always done even when it doesn’t serve them.  There is virtually no gap between their feelings (stimulus) and their compulsive behavior (response).  A person feels bad, and then they eat, drink, or do something else to numb the pain.  But there is another way -and it starts with awareness…  The awareness of your compulsive behavior and what it is costing you is what creates a small space between your negative feelings and what has become an automatic reaction.  That small space is the seat of powerful action, as opposed to disempowered reaction.

An Example & Key Questions to Ask

An example can help to illustrate this important point… Let’s say that I just checked my email and have learned that I didn’t get a much hoped for work project.  I feel anxious and that anxiety leads to some serious worries about my future career prospects, as well as fears that I may never have a “successful career.”  Without even thinking about it, I walk to the kitchen and start riffling through the cupboards for something sweet to eat.  In the past, I would have stuffed my face with food until I felt numb, but this time, I pause. I ask myself these key questions:

  1. Am I physically hungry?
  2. What do I really need in this moment?
  3. What small step can I take to give myself what I really need?

The pause that I have taken has allowed me to act instead of react.  Even if I still choose to eat, I have removed the automatic nature of this behavior, which is what makes it compulsive.   The same questions can be asked when faced with other types of compulsive behavior.  Simply construct an alternate first question (i.e. “Do I really need that pair of shoes?”) to fit your specific behavior challenge and use the same second and third questions as above.

There is Hope!

I am not promising that you will eliminate your compulsive behavior overnight, but if you are able to pause and allow yourself to examine what’s really going on beneath the behavior, you are on the path toward healing.  It often takes time to overcome long-term behaviors which have served as effective (albeit self-destructive) coping mechanisms.  As I’ve revealed, I still struggle with shopping and spending too much money, but it happens less often and I can more readily “course-correct,” as I did last week.   I was able to realize what was going on, turn it around (by returning the unnecessary purchases) and learn from the experience.  That is my hope for you as well…

I’m sure that the issue of compulsive behaviors will be addressed again in future posts.  If you have any questions or feedback regarding this post or suggestions for future topics, I would love to hear them.  Next week, we’ll start to look at belief systems and how they both help and hurt us.  If you’re following along in Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book,” please read Chapter 2 and complete the exercises on pages 24-29.  Have a wonderful weekend!

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In my last post, I had mentioned that my next blog entry would be about compulsive behaviors.  While I plan to do that post very soon, something else has been occupying my attention and awareness, so I decided to post on that topic today.

Most of us have things about ourselves which we don’t like or even hate, and we often waste a lot of time and energy resisting or fighting these things.  For most of my life, one of my “hates” has been my hair.   I have very thick hair, so thick that hairstylists have often commented that I had enough hair for two or three people.  In addition, my hair is naturally wavy and predisposed to frizz, tendencies which are intensified by the humid Southern California weather.

Resisting What Is

My God-given hair was not the type of hair I wanted.  I wanted the straight, sleek hair of a Scandinavian girl – or Jennifer Aniston.  I have been fighting my hair texture for as long as I can remember with countless hair products, daily flat-ironing, and a multitude of chemical processes.  None of these armaments ever worked to my satisfaction, so I continually searched for the next best thing.

Magic Bullet or Nightmare?

This past November, I thought I had found it.  I spent about four hours and over $300 at the hair salon getting what is known as a “keratin smoothing treatment.”  The result was not the nirvana I had anticipated; instead it has been a nightmare which I couldn’t have imagined.  I experienced some serious breathing problems from the formaldehyde released by the chemical process, and since the product was bonded into my hair, I was unable to remove it despite repeated washings.  Consequently, I opted to cut off close to half of my hair in order to minimize the deleterious effects.

Just when I thought I was past the worst of my nightmare, a delayed side effect occurred.  I started to lose large amounts of hair on a daily basis.  By the time I realized what was going on, I had lost so much hair that I could see parts of my scalp at my hairline and my ponytail diameter was only about half of what it used to be.   Fortunately, I think the hair loss has subsided at this point, and because I had so much hair to begin with, it is not as noticeable as might be expected.  However, I am still planning to see a dermatologist to make sure I am able to salvage my hair.

Two Key Lessons…

This is surprisingly difficult for me to write about and I am not sharing this experience to garner sympathy.  I have learned a great deal from this particular struggle and the point of this post is to share my insights.  I have titled this post “Perspective and Appreciation” because those are the two key lessons I’ve gained from my hair experience.

I would love to be able to turn back the clock such that I had never gotten the so-called keratin smoothing treatment, but I have come to understand that I needed this experience to learn what I needed to learn.  The Universe has been trying to teach me the lesson of appreciation and self-acceptance for many years.  Instead of appreciating what I had, I continued to fight it and wish for something different.

Taking Things for Granted

My hair is only one aspect of myself which I would berate and negate. While I would often receive compliments on my thick and lustrous hair, I would never take them in.  I was filled with hatred for my hair because it wouldn’t bend to my will.  Because my hair wasn’t sleek and straight, I didn’t show any love or appreciation for it; all of the energy I gave to my hair was negative.

Now that my hair is no longer long, thick or lustrous, I have been given the gift of perspective.  How true it is that we often don’t appreciate what we have until it is gone. 

How often do we take things – and people – for granted until they are no longer in our lives?

Declaring a Truce

I am declaring a truce in the war against my hair.  I am now treating my hair more lovingly and am showing appreciation for the hair that is left on my head.  I am affirming throughout the day, “I love and appreciate my hair.”  I believe that this love and appreciation will help me to save my hair.  It was not only the chemicals which destroyed my hair; it was also my negativity and distain.

How many of us treat ourselves worse than we would treat our worst enemy?  How many of us are our own worst enemy?  How much would we thrive if we were to begin to treat ourselves the way we treat our treasured pets or children?

New and Empowering Vows

From this moment on, I vow to treat myself with much more love and appreciation.  I vow to start looking more at what’s right about me instead of what’s wrong.  I know that I will stumble along the way, as old habits are hard to break.  However, the perspective I have gained from my hair trauma has shown me that I must break those old habits.  It’s time to stop beating myself up and start appreciating all of the wonderful characteristics which I know I possess.

Will you join me in my new and empowering vows?  Many of us wish and pray for peace in the world, but peace begins from within.   Stop fighting yourself and choose to love yourself instead.  I know it’s hard, but we can help each other to live a more peaceful and loving existence!

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It is just a coincidence that I am posting this on “Tax Day,” but perhaps there is some synchronicity there…

Sometimes I lack discipline.  While I’ve been doing much better at getting myself up and moving and working on my tasks each day, I still have some major challenges relating to self-discipline.

A Shopping Trip…

Earlier this week, I allowed myself the rare weekday outing of shopping with a friend.  I LOVE to shop!  Walking around a boutique or department store, I’m like the proverbial kid in a candy store.  I revel in the delights of pristine new clothes, shoes and accessories.  Sometimes I am content to just look, but more often than not, I feel tempted – or even compelled – to buy.  I feel as if I lose my sense of reason and rationality when I find myself face-to-face with new things.

Buying What I Don’t Need

I often do buy, and at times it’s just too much.  Not only am I not making much money at present, but I spend most of my days at home in front of my computer wearing workout clothes.  For much of the time, the only ones who see me are my husband and my cats.   I do enjoy dressing up for my husband when we go out, but he’s fine seeing me dressed casually at home, and I know the cats don’t care if I’m wearing pajamas or a little black dress!  Suffice it to say that I don’t really need a large wardrobe, but need doesn’t seem to factor into the equation much of the time.

Spending Leads to Remorse

Back to this week…  I was shopping with a friend who I would definitely call a “fashionista.”  She keeps up with all of the latest trends to a much larger degree than I do and is always impeccably put together.  While I believe that she likes me for me, I found myself wanting to impress her and buying things I didn’t really need and which aren’t exactly practical for my life.  As I drove away from the mall, remorse hit me like a ton of bricks.  Not only was I afraid to reveal my purchases to my husband, I felt weak and ashamed.  I had broken my commitments to my husband and to myself around spending and sadly, this was far from the first time I had done this.

“Shopaholic”?

A few months ago, I watched the movie “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”  This movie was supposed to be a comedy, yet it brought me to tears.  It was while I was watching this movie that I realized that I, like the main character, had a shopping problem.  I actually looked for Shopaholics Anonymous online after the movie ended, but learned that it doesn’t exist.  There is Debtors Anonymous, but debt isn’t really a problem for me, spending is.  I am fortunate in that we are able to pay off our credit cards each month, but sometimes my spending has made those bills much higher than they needed to be.

Loss of Control

I hate the feeling of being out of control.  I would imagine that the way I feel in a department store is how a compulsive gambler feels in a casino.  I know someone who had a gambling problem and she is steadfast in her belief that she can never gamble again.   I shudder to think of never shopping again, yet I know I need to do something about this problem.

For now, I have decided upon which purchases will be returned and they are now in the trunk of my car waiting to go back to the stores.  It sure would have been easier not to have bought these items in the first place…  I dread going back to the stores with my tail between my legs, but far worse than my embarrassment is my feeling of weakness and lack of self-control.

Compulsive Behaviors

I’m sure that most of you don’t have shopping problems, but I’m guessing that you can relate on some level.  We all have our compulsive behaviors, whether they be shopping, drinking, eating, sex, gambling, working, or something else altogether.  I have vacillated among several compulsive behaviors throughout my life, with the most difficult being shopping and eating (or at times, not eating).

There seems to always be something, but I am self-aware enough to know that there is a much deeper issue than the compulsive behavior itself.  There is an emptiness inside which I am desperately trying to fill, yet I know that no amount of new clothes or shoes can fill that hole.

This leads me back to my “healing project,” which is about healing both my body and my soul.   I am in the right place and I am on the path toward healing my overspending and all of my other issues…

In my next post, I will look more at compulsive behaviors, what they mean, and how to get to the root of them.  I can’t promise to give you the answers, but I hope to be able to shed some light on this problem to help facilitate our healing in this area.

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Discouraged WomanWhile I would love for all of my blog posts to highlight my tremendous progress and exciting wins, life doesn’t work like that.  Invariably, we all experience ups and downs, and progress occurs more like “two steps forward, one step back” than in an upward slope.  Although I posted two weeks ago about the wins I’ve experienced since starting this blog, this past week has been more of a period of discouragement.  In this post, I will share my feelings of discouragement, along with some suggestions for how to handle such times in your life.

Career & Health Woes…

One of the “wins” I shared in my “Progress Already” post was that I was attracting more work projects and experiencing increased confidence as a result.  Well, that win turned out to be short-lived…  The inquiries regarding prospective work have led to dead ends and a couple of projects which I believed were “sure things” have fallen through for reasons unknown to me.

I now find myself in the all too familiar zone of uncertainty and negativity regarding work.  Despite my desire to remain positive and hopeful, I am feeling increasingly discouraged about my work prospects.  I know that it does me no good to lament my poor past choices, but I have had to stop myself multiple times from rehashing ancient history and wishing that I had taken a different path.  I sometimes find myself feeling very depressed for not being where I’d hoped to be career-wise at my age.

In addition to my career woes, a few of my health issues have flared up as of late.  I had thought that my digestive problems were mostly in the past, but I’ve been feeling extremely bloated and uncomfortable all week and have been popping antacids like candy to address the painful burning in my stomach.  The bloating has rendered many of my pants un-wearable and has me feeling fat and unattractive, a feeling I know all too well from my many years of eating disorder struggles.

The Tendency to “Snowball”

I have a tendency for my thoughts to snowball in weeks such as this one.  A few bad things happen and I start to think about all of the ways in which my life – and myself – are just plain wrong.  Instead of merely noting that it’s a “bad week,” I start to “catastrophize” and see things only becoming progressively worse.  The result is that I become paralyzed by depression and fear, do virtually nothing to improve the situation, and end up feeling much worse.

How to Deal With Discouragement

Fortunately, there IS a better way… There are some ways to deal with discouragement before you become caught up in that snowball going 60 miles per hour down a huge mountain.  Here are some tips for addressing your discouraging feelings head on:

Take a “Time Out”

Opt for a change of scenery.  Get outside in the fresh air or do any activity which will bring you peace and joy.  For me, a good “time out” is taking a walk along the water with my husband or visiting the mall to enjoy a movie or do some shopping. It doesn’t matter what you do, but make sure it’s something you enjoy.  Even an hour or two away from the source of your discouragement can help you to regain a more positive attitude.

One Day at a Time

Stop thinking so far into the future!  Adopt the wise 12-step group saying of “one day at a time.”  Plan your upcoming day, focus on what you need to do that day, and don’t worry about anything beyond that.  Life is so much easier and far less scary when taken in small “bite-sized chunks.”  Ask yourself, “What ONE thing can I do TODAY that will help me to feel more positive about my life?”  Then do that thing…

Get Into Action

Stop the “paralysis by analysis!”  It’s common to become paralyzed by fear and then be afraid to act.  But I’ve found that if I do even one small thing in service of my goals, I feel so much better.  Take a “baby step.”  Maybe it’s a phone call or an email, or maybe take 15 minutes to investigate something which might be beneficial to you in an area of your life that feels stuck.  Just do something!  Don’t set the bar too high, and give yourself credit for taking even a small action in the right direction.  Those small actions add up and propel you forward in life.

Refocus on Your Goals & Gratitude

Sometimes when we are feeling in despair, we don’t remember what’s most important to us.  It can be helpful to revisit our key goals and commitments during these times.  You ARE writing your goals down, aren’t you?  You are much more likely to achieve your goals if you put them in writing.

When you are feeling low, remind yourself of what really matters most to you.  Look at the progress you HAVE made toward your goals and look at what’s right about your life now.  Remember gratitude – we all have things for which we can be grateful.

Get Help

You don’t have to do everything alone!  I know it can be hard to ask for help.  It’s a very tough thing for me to do… But the people who love us want to be there for us and they want to help us during our difficult times.  Sometimes all we need to do is ask.  Call someone to talk or ask a friend for a small favor, or just ask someone to spend some time with you doing something you both enjoy.

If necessary, get help from professionals who might be able to assist you in getting unstuck.  It may be a medical professional or a service provider; there are many professionals who can help us with our various needs, and it’s often not as costly as we might think.  Remember, there is no charge to investigate available resources.  Do what you can to help yourself, but don’t be afraid to look outside of yourself when necessary.

Getting Past My Slump…

Here’s what I’ve done and will continue to do to get past my current slump.  Yesterday, I got into action and did something on which I’d been procrastinating for quite a while.  I decided upon what absolutely needed to be done in order for me to feel a sense of accomplishment.  I set a target of “good enough” instead of perfect and approached the task with a goal of finishing it yesterday.  Less than two hours later, it was done and I felt great!  One step toward becoming unstuck… I also planned a fun activity with a friend for a few days from now so I have something to look forward to.

I am taking things one day at a time as well.  To help with my health issues, I’m focusing on eating better foods and getting more rest.  To address the career challenges, I’m taking baby steps in the right direction.  I’m deciding upon a small key action to take each weekday so that I can build some positive momentum in that arena.  I’m also considering ways in which I can get help with these issues, whether it be from a health professional or a personal coach.

Hopefully, I will soon move out of my slump and start feeling positive and hopeful once again.  I know that I will have other times when I feel discouraged.  When that happens, I will take my own advice and stop those negative feelings before they stop me!

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Over the past week, I’ve been pondering how I want to structure this blog moving forward.  My original concept for “the Healing Project” was that it would primarily focus on my personal journey toward health and wellness in all aspects of my life, using Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” and other books and philosophies.  My intent was to share both my struggles and triumphs while doing my best to formulate my insights into meaningful lessons for my readers.

However, as I actually started writing the blog, it followed a bit of a different path.  My posts have been more in the form of structured lessons.  While I would like to continue to post the formal lessons when appropriate, I would like to also incorporate some informal posts when appropriate.

A “Plan” for the Blog:

Therefore, I’ve decided to structure the blog as follows:

  • Weekly Lesson – A lesson based upon a key self-improvement, healing, or spiritual principle.  This lesson may be based upon “You Can Heal Your Life” or another spiritual text or philosophy, or it may be derived from my personal life experience.
  • Exercise Posts – Entries which focus on the exercises from the “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book.”  I will share excerpts from my completion of the exercises and encourage my readers to join me and share their insights.  These posts may be formulated into the weekly lesson, but may also stand alone.
  • Wins/Challenges – Shorter posts which chronicle both my triumphs and struggles during my journey.  These posts will be done as often as it feels “right” or appropriate.

The above plan may not sound all that structured, and it isn’t.  I want to allow myself the flexibility and space to post about a variety of topics and at various different times, while always striving to maintain the core focus.  This blog will always focus on self-improvement and the difficult but powerful journey toward healing one’s life.

Post Categories:

My posts will be categorized by type and if you want to only view certain types of posts, you may use the Category Selector in the right column of the Home Page.  The post categories are as follows:

  1. Weekly Lessons – Weekly structured lessons.
  2. Louise Hay Exercises – Exercises from “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book.”  My target is to complete at least one exercise from Louise Hay each week and post about my experience and resulting insights.
  3. General/Principles – Includes the initial posts about Louise Hay’s key principles.  You may also access this information via the “Key Principles” tab at the top of the page.  This category also includes posts which do not fit into any of the categories above (i.e. “Welcome” post and this post).
  4. Helpful Practices – Useful practices to help you with your own personal “healing project.”
  5. Wins – My personal triumphs and powerful “aha moments” along my healing path.
  6. Challenges – My struggles and difficulties along the way and what I’m learning from these experiences.

Additional categories have also been added for topics which will be addressed frequently in “The Healing Project” (new categories will be added as appropriate):

  1. Body Image
  2. Compulsive Behavior
  3. Health Issues

Feedback Welcomed!

I welcome reader feedback on this post, as well as all of my blog posts.  I am also open to suggestions of topics to cover and how to improve this blog.  Although the blog started as a personal journey, it is my hope that it will evolve into a means for helping others with their own “healing projects.”

Stay tuned for the weekly lesson on handling discouragement, to be posted shortly…

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With this post, I begin working through the exercises in Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book.”  While you can definitely read my blog and benefit from my insights without doing the exercises yourself, I encourage you to follow along and gain and share your own insights.  Not all blog posts will be associated with YCHYL exercises, but these exercises are an integral part of the Healing Project.

Defining the Concept

We all want many things in our lives and we often wonder why we don’t get those things.  A big part of it has to do with the concept of deserving, or as Louise Hay terms it, “deservability.”  If, at the deepest core of our being, we don’t feel we deserve to have what we wish for, that belief will block those things from coming into our lives.  We end up settling for less than what we truly desire as a result of our limiting beliefs.  To achieve our goals in life, it is necessary to work on our beliefs as well as take concrete actions toward that which we want.

Deservability Exercise

The Deservability Exercise in the “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book” consists of seven questions which are designed to help us to better understand the power of this concept.  Below, I have included these questions (rephrased in a shorter and simpler format) as well as some key excerpts from my responses to the questions.  I feel that I have gained some valuable insights as a result of my introspection into the concept of “deservability.”  Now I invite you to answer these questions…

1. What do you want that you do not have now?

  • I want to have vibrant, good health.  I want to wake up feeling energetic, healthy and hopeful about the coming day.  I want to know that I will feel good instead of fearing or even expecting that I will feel bad.  I want to be able to make plans without fear of having to cancel because I don’t feel well or having to endure a headache or other pain while engaged in some type of social activity.
  • I want to feel like I’m making a positive difference in the world.  This difference doesn’t have to be on a grandiose scale, but I want to feel needed and important.
  • I want to feel as if I am utilizing my best gifts and strengths and that I am expressing my creativity.  I want to feel that I am expressing the best of myself in my endeavors and in my interactions.  The specific things that I do to use my gifts are not as important as the fact that I will be using my gifts in some sort of pursuit that matters to me.

2. What did you learn about deserving in your childhood?

I don’t know that I was told that I didn’t deserve, but I often did feel that I have to earn respect and praise.  I felt that I had to “tow the line” and do what was expected of me in order to win approval and love.

Earning would only work for me on a temporary basis. I would get approval in the moment, but it would be fleeting. I feel that I have continued this practice with myself.  I have to earn my own respect and approval and I often feel that I don’t do enough in order to be worthy of my own love or even like.

3. Do you feel that you are deserving of good things, or do you feel that you have to do something to earn them?  Are you good enough?

I feel more deserving than I did in the past, but there is a still a sense of feeling that I must earn things in life, including love and approval from myself and others.

My initial reaction to “are you good enough?” is that of course I am, but deep down I think I don’t feel good enough or worthy.  I feel as if I haven’t lived up to my full potential in life.  So much of my feelings of deservability are tied up in financial earnings and the societal definitions of success. I feel as if I don’t measure up in these ways.

I do feel that I can be good enough.  It will require an attitudinal shift more than an action shift because I know on some level that I am already good enough.

4. Do you deserve to live?  Why or why not?

I definitely feel that I deserve to live, no question.  This hasn’t always been the case, clearly, as I used to engage in such reckless and self-destructive behavior.

Now I feel that I am worthy of life and worthy of good things in life.  I shouldn’t have to earn the good things I have or feel guilty for what I have.  I want to be able to just be grateful and happy for my blessings and to trust that I have them because I deserve them!

5. What do you have to live for?  What is the purpose of your life?

I have many things to live for.  I have my wonderful husband, my adorable kitties, my family and my friends.  I feel that I have my potential to make a difference in the lives of many others.  I feel that I have my potential joy and future happiness to live for.

I am not entirely sure about the purpose of my life, but I feel that it has to do with inspiring and empowering others.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I wrote that, so I know that it’s true.  I feel that I can be a force for good and a person who can help others to release themselves from their bondage, the bondage of their own creation.  I feel that I can help others to be more free and to experience more joy and happiness in life.  I have yet to fully create this meaning or to realize my purpose, but I feel that I am on the precipice of this at this point in my life.  It’s as if I have to make it over just one more hill and I will be able to be more fully creative and expressive.

6. Whom do you need to forgive in order to deserve?

I feel that I have forgiven most of the other people in my life at this point.  I mostly need to forgive myself in order to feel more deserving.  I still feel guilt over things I’ve done in the past and I need to let that go.  I can’t go back and change what happened, so I need to release the past and move forward powerfully.  I also need to forgive myself for the fact that I have changed careers many times instead of sticking with one thing.  That is also something that I cannot change.

My choices and my actions have shaped me into the person I am today and I think that person is a good person.  Yes, I made some bad choices at times, but those choices were primarily motivated by my inner pain and my lack of self-confidence and trust in myself.  I was trying to escape my pain, so I did some bad and hurtful things.  I don’t excuse my actions, but I do need to forgive them.

7. What do you deserve?  Do you believe:  “I deserve love and joy and all good”? Or do you feel deep down that you deserve nothing?  Are you willing to let go of your limiting beliefs about deservability?

You know what?  I do believe that I deserve love and joy and all good!  It’s taken me many, many years to get to the point where I can write and say that.  I know that there are still some undeserving beliefs which need to be healed, but I basically believe that I am a good person who tries my best to be and do good.  I am willing to let go of my judgment and contempt towards myself.  I am willing to embody “I approve of myself.”  I am willing to awake with joy and live my life in joy and peace.  I am willing to change, I am willing to grow and I am willing to love and accept myself fully as I am while working to create the life of my dreams.

Some Affirmations to Try

Here are a few affirmations derived from Louise Hay’s “Deservability Treatment.”  It may be helpful to repeat these phrases either aloud or silently to yourself when you find yourself feeling down on yourself or discouraged about life in general.

  • I am deserving.
  • I deserve all good.
  • I now move past all negative, restricting thoughts.
  • I no longer identify with limitation of any kind.

Next we will delve into becoming more aware of our beliefs, both positive and negative, about various aspects and concepts of life.  We will identify those beliefs which serve us, as well as those which are holding us back from accomplishing our goal and realizing our dreams.  Then we will move into healing the various aspects of our lives, one step at a time…

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